Identifying by my work

Unlike many parents in India, mine did not push me to be solely academic oriented. Academics were a necessary evil in my life that I needed to get through to survive in the system. I was much better and more oriented to extra-curriculars (sport, music etc).

While this helped me choose a relatively off-beat career like Design (when most peers were studying medicine, engineering, law etc), the system eventually caught up on me in one way - my work became part of my identity. This is further accentuated by the fact that Design also happens to be a an area that I am passionate about - very invested in.

I never noticed how much my work was my identity until now.

In Germany, work and private life has a very clear distinction - one of those cultural differences I found hard to deal with and understand initially but later began to respect.
I observed many friends and colleagues being very dedicated to their job during the hours they spent at work, yet would totally switch off the moment they stepped out and would be ready to wear a totally different hat - that of their hobby/ other interests.

With situations that are now more important to my life, I am beginning to wonder how I could move more in this direction. 

Being an outlier

When I lived in India, I constantly stood out amongst fellow urban, educated, upwardly mobile middle class Indians who always thought everything about the NEW, 'developing' India was great - India is the next super power, Indians are the most intelligent people, the world economy is alive due to India...the world is coming to India...
Not acknowledging the things that work well in the 'developed' world

Now, living as an expat in a 'developed' economy, I still stand out because the locals have the 'developed' world mindset - we invented this in the past, we are leaders in that...
Not acknowledging the growing role emerging economies are playing in the world.

*Sigh* its a hard life being someone with a broader perspective. While at my core I believe this is a good thing to be able to have a balanced view, there are definitely times when I wonder, if it is more peaceful to take a black and white approach to life and be on one side of the journey.

Finding my footing

Returning back to work after a long time is a strange feeling because (as expected) people and things seem to have moved on - without me.

• People have become used to not having me around 
• Ways have been found to get things done without me 
• Some others have taken over stuff I used to do

It's business as usual for everyone else. It's me who needs to find my place again amongst my team - where can I bring value (if so)...it takes time. After all, its true that nobody is indispensable.

The Art of Living

While in Bangalore, many of my friends and colleagues had talked very positively about the Art of Living courses offered at the Ashram of Sri Sri Ravishanker. V and I had contemplated doing this for a long long time given all the stress in our lives. We never got down to doing it. Even after our move to Germany, we kept thinking we should do it during one of our trips to India. But never did so.
Finally, sometime back we learnt about a beginners course in our very own company. It couldn't get more convenient than this. So we signed up to it.

The beginner's course consists of breathing exercises, learning to meditate, learning the Sudarshana Kriya and some knowledge points. The regiment of Sudarshana Kriya was the biggest surprise for me.

Practically speaking, the things that will stick to me from this session are the method to meditate and knowledge points.
We learnt many knowledge points, but the course trainer wanted to pick the 5 most important ones. 

1. Opposite values are complimentary
2. Accept people as they are
3. Don't be a football to others opinions
4. Don't see intentions behind others mistakes
5. Present moment is inevitable

Others that I found interesting:

• Expectations reduce joy
• Saying, 'try' causes stress
• Human tendencies: Not to be in the 'now', to cling on to the negative
• Whatever you resist, persists
• Responsibility is intertwined to belonging-ness, stress is higher when belonging-ness is low

The trainer asked 1 thing – which I really appreciated. "We all seek peace of mind. But are we willing to ruffle some feathers in order to get this peace of mind?"
In the Indian context of things, a lot of these knowledge points if followed are not going to be received very well. E.g. People will appreciate hearing the word, 'try' than a direct yes/no.
I have always believed that the 'dont rock the boat' approach causes more stress than confrontations. But this again is not an approach appreciated by many Indians. We like to drown ourselves in politeness and hypocrisy instead.

Recently, a friend of mine was going through a lot of mental conflict with respect to making a decision to stay in Germany longer versus returning back to India. For an Indian woman, living in a country like Germany is very liberating in unexplainable ways. When pushed to a corner and this woman needs to justify and explain this FEELING, it is very hard and often just addresses surface level things like freedom to wear what she wants etc as these are most tangible. (It's the same with me.)

The counter force she received, is all the positives about India. Given that every country has it's plus  and minus points. It made me think of the first knowledge point - 'opposite values are complimentary.'
So like one need a black to appreciate a white, is it not fair to think, one needs the exposure to a different culture to appreciate/not appreciate your own culture?  Whether the exposure results in someone appreciating something or not is up to an individual But surely, a new experience always has some consequence. 

I saw an immediate applicability of this knowledge point in the situation my friend was facing.  

The belonging aspect was also something that I could instantly relate to. The follow up questions would be, 'how does one define belonging?' and 'what factors create a sense of belonging?'

The year that was (2011)

2011 was a crazier roller coater ride than some recent years. Hence it does not bring up any evident emotions in me. Over the course of the year, I did learn a few things:

• I learnt that there (perhaps) some merit to being superficial and pretentious. I always believed (and in my heart still do) that the only way to be is, straight forward and genuine. But I realized that a large number of people dwell in pretentions. That's the only language they understand. Unfortunately I happen to have many such people around me, so I realized, in order to have any equation with them, I need to speak their language. A tough call for me, but I guess I need to learn a few tricks here.
• I realized I need to learn to keep an ultra straight face that revel no emotions. Again something very hard for me to do but needs to be learnt.

Highlights of the year were largely restricted to the professional sector:

• I got through a hugely inhibiting process of getting admission to study in a reputed university liked Oxford, Said business school. I never really thought I would get through it. A higher education has been on my list of to dos for many many years...
• I got to teach a design thinking class to students in the Hasso Plattner Institute - D school in Potsdam. It was a great experience to be there. Started to build a network with people I met there.

The roller coaster ride:

• Despite these highlights my role and position in my team got redefined almost on a daily basis. The team broke down suddenly and in an unpleasant manner. Was hard to keep the focus and rise above it all, to find motivation to continue to do a good job.
• On a another note, mid year my health got us off the hook - gave us all a scare. It really tested my faith and forced me to open my mind to some realities. November brought some relatively good news so we could breathe a sigh of relief.
• As we took off to India to spend time with our family, it did not end up being as desirable. A throat infection grounded me at home and I was not in a position to be upbeat and enjoy the time with my parents and friends in Bangalore.
• Family scenarios left a rather unpleasant taste in the mouth towards the end of the year :(

 Our travels took us to:

• Hamburg, sylt via hannover
• Dresden and Sächsische Schweiz
• Southern france, along the coast to barcelona and back.
• Croatia
• Another failed attempt to see the northern lights. This time in Tromso, norway.

We entertained ourselves with the following concerts:

• Red Hot Chilli Peppers
• Roxette
• Robbie Williams (couldn't get to see him without the rest of the Take That boys, so saw him with em)
• Anoushka Shanker (enjoy jazz)
• Istanbul Sessions (enjoy jazz)
• Bon Jovi
• Rush
• Animals
• Sting and the philharmonic
• Bergen philharmonic

2012 begins with some big things on my hands. I look forward to it with anxiety.

Finding myself: Part 1

At work, we need to play by the rulers of our managers, colleagues, larger organizational culture etc.
At home we need to play by the rules of our spouses, our respective families...
Everyone you call your friend finds his/her place in the pie chart of relationships - each different, each special.
While some of us dwell in the pleasure of being a parent, trying to keep pace with their kids...others trying to find a slot in their life for a new one...
At every such interaction, there is a layer we need to wear. So...

• Where in the grand scheme of things do you find 'yourself?' 
• How big is the slice for 'yourself' in the pie chart of relationships - does it exist?
• Where amidst all this is the place you can call your 'own?'
• a place where you drop all your pretentious and be yourself
• a place where you are connected to yourself, don't feel drawn to unsurmountable pressures & expectations
• a place where no one reassures you of all your weaknesses (oblivious of your strengths)
• a place where you can just breathe, smile, be happy & at peace with yourself to who you are, with all your imperfections.

While I delve deep into myself, I could do with some inspirations. Have you found this sacred place for yourself? If so, how? What's your story?